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i try and tell myself [
Sunday, August 5th 2007 | 7:05pm
[ mood | cold ]

that i'm doing you a favor
by playing your game.

but it seems i'm the only one cut up about it.

(you say you miss me, but you don't do anything about it. i don't understand).


LJ, back with a vengeance.

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like a flower trying to bloom in snow. [
Saturday, December 2nd 2006 | 3:53pm
[ mood | yeah~ ]

spotted a cocoon.

what will hatch from it, i wonder.

(if fate could be nice enough, it could just remain encased forever. fat chance. the world loves a good laugh.)

swear, ayoko na. it's me misreading things, right?

getting lost in a parking lot is the most hilarious thing ever. (especially since retarded exit signs point towards a space that cars are parked on)

lack of rest, lack of sleep. [
Tuesday, November 28th 2006 | 1:25pm
[ mood | ouch all over ]

am so brainwashable these days. everything sort of seems amazing. wow.

and betty neels has corrupted me!


a few nights ago, i saw a shooting star. wished for something i hardly ever thought about. but i can't do anything about it. and no longer can. it was the first thought that came out. really, one's subconscious needs clearing up (to avoid surprises).

brown paper packages tied up with strings...
these are a few of my favorite things.

trying to remember [
Sunday, November 26th 2006 | 1:26pm
[ mood | silent night. ]


In your innocent eyes,

I am innocence;

I am purity, to cherish and


In your innocent eyes,

I am a crystal,

perfect and pure, scattering

Rainbow reflections of light.

But I fear

that if you hold me, I will break---

I will wound you;

your blood will stain my clarity.


bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens...

skill-less. [
Wednesday, November 22nd 2006 | 4:00pm
[ mood | um..?..! ]

i am incapable of sweeping anyone off their feet.


lately, judo has been pretty painful. physically, most especially. being thrown (or even throwing) has never been This painful before.

and: the return of the bruises! well these, i miss. strange, ne?

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

i've been quite unfair to this journal. haha.

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no one can ever tell [
Monday, November 6th 2006 | 12:22pm
[ mood | need energy. ]

unless i said it out loud first. i feel like some ancient wall of scribbles, unearthed yet...

there are times when the things i want to do the most, i cannot do. cry at the right time, for instance, or maybe speak my mind without repercussions.

yes, the world was a little bit unfair to me today.

doing lab work alone can make one think too much over things that could have been easily pushed aside if... if the situation was different, perhaps.

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it's scary... [
Thursday, October 19th 2006 | 4:13pm
[ mood | should be studying ]

but i really think i've grown up a bit.
sadly, it's not physically though.

and it's not only learning to eat vegetables,
or suddenly finding coffee bearable,
but also on outlooks on life.

i'm hoping.
i'm waiting yet i've moved on.

makes sense? probably not ^_^

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when you lack sleep, [
Monday, October 16th 2006 | 3:02pm
[ mood | falling asleep. ]

don't watch the Texas Chain Saw Massacre (the beginning). it sort of leaves one feeling anemic. although normally, with enough rest, it ought to be um. bland, or be just like any slasher movie. maybe.

tonight, conversed with steph after a long drought. in summary, it was: ^__________________^


if i were a tree, being uprooted wouldn't be bad once in a while. but when tired, i would wish for the warm ground (that feeds me, keeps me stable) to embrace me once more. but not now. not yet.


you asked why. it's because butterflies, no matter how pretty, were never meant to be captured and pinned by the wings to a framed canvas. they lose their luster that way. not to mention you have to kill them beforehand.


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this is me saying goodbye...^_^ [
Friday, October 13th 2006 | 10:18pm
[ mood | finally. ]

in a rare moment of clarity last night (or was it dawn),
my subconscious self decided to let go.

what followed it was calm, and a comforting feeling, very unlike the usual panic i feel even from just thinking it.

there was no hurt, or emptiness,
just a whisper of wind where the butterfly had left a mark.

wondering. [
Thursday, October 12th 2006 | 2:32am
[ mood | un-fed, caffeine-loaded ]

when does it hurt more:

when you know you're about to get hurt and you brace yourself (much like when they inject you with something),

or when you were taken by surprise (like that stapler-kind of way they draw blood)?

i'd like the less painful way please.

i know, but don't want to assume. i don't know what's your excuse.

onto more un-selfish things:
will a war start once again because of the nuclear testing done by n. korea? the world is certainly getting more chaotic. ah, that law again of entropy.

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rewriting life [
Tuesday, October 10th 2006 | 3:25pm
[ mood | just thinking. ]

you're becoming a habit.

i don't know whether to be happy about it.

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a short break. [
Thursday, October 5th 2006 | 9:24pm
[ mood | just. ]

since the past few days have been stressul, decided to be utterly random.

giving out points (and maybe a prize) to whomever guesses where this line can be found:
"Please wait while the list is being populated"


epilogue [
Monday, October 2nd 2006 | 10:42pm
[ mood | at last. ]

if i could redo that quick interview (when i wasn't too full of tears inside)... to his question on how i dealt with the stress, i would say it was through God's help and reassuring umm.. well. presence. (and then sing that Josh Groban song, "You raise me up so I could lalala~").


how is a girl supposed to answer a question like this: "Can I court you?"

the count was 4...:D (not related at all to the former P.S.)

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nature's free service (of clearing out stuff) [
Friday, September 29th 2006 | 4:56pm
[ mood | brr... ]

this morning, the sun shone brightly, innocently,
leaving no trace at all of the chaos that was yesterday.

...or maybe everything was well-lit because a lot of the trees and branches in ateneo had been knocked down?


i wish during uaap, ateneo would become like yesterday's typhoon,
bringing down even the most stubborn of bodies, uprooting the strongest.

the most hateful part of yesterday was having to look for food. only 5 food places were open and running out of food, not to mention stored electricity. it felt like the end of the world!

and! where did all the leaves in our room come from?!

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being mediocre [
Monday, September 25th 2006 | 10:27pm
[ mood | sleepy~ ]

why i'm not ready:
♠i have no moves (that work!)
♠i'm too slow
sabi ni gen: only for takki! (haha. she's thinking of something different)
♠because i lack practice!

why i'm playing:
ewan. basta.

really, i'm mediocre in everything. and the rare things i excel at are not of worth at all. haha.

and: for the sake of lars:
you're the best!^_^ but it really wasn't about the cream puffs. but you've become adorable in my eyes, haha. does that mean i have brain damage?

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something i didn't write [
Thursday, September 21st 2006 | 1:44am
[ mood | whatever. ]

as forwarded in the mail.
for anyone who might need it:

Closing Cycles
By Paolo Coelho

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot forever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person. Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust. Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

hoping it was enlightening,
good night.

i hate liars.

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snippets [
Monday, September 18th 2006 | 10:55pm
[ mood | rare day. ]

there are many kinds of love...:)


photos fade and get erased at the slightest prodding.. unfortunately, i have come to find that memories don't last that long either (there is no forever to memories, nor 'til-death-do-we-part's).

so i'll stick with the photographs.


i've already experienced it: that feeling and knowledge that you've given it your all, and that there will certainly be no regrets.

i couldn't help smiling afterwards.


the butterfly has flitted away, far from my reach.

i no longer wish to chase after it.
(after all, i've already said it, although it might not have been understood)

not always so literally. [
Monday, September 18th 2006 | 12:36am
[ mood | just. ]

this is inspiration:

before the training session (as i enter the dojo), anika calls out my name and runs up to me and gives me a hug (wherein we end up banging each other's head accidentally).

and love:

myka and kristia therapy ♥


in philo class, we learned that (so far) that we can never truly know god. and that it's more possible for us to know what he is not.

applying this to someone i want in my life (someday, whenever that may be):

i don't want a man who can't care for himself, and who needs to be constantly patted on the back. i have my hands full trying to heal wounds.. adding someone like that will just be death.



after persisting for so long and changing colors many times within that span of time, some bruises have finally faded and disappeared. but constant hitting is starting to aggravate them again, making them a bright red at times.

i don't want that anymore

*is steaming* [
Thursday, September 14th 2006 | 7:43pm
[ mood | furious! ]

i am never telling people any secret again.
they can never keep it, and much worse, ask round about it, which is equal to telling other people. how stupid can one get?

buti na lang i hold info back. on one's ever had the whole story. no one ever will, i guess.

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for once, at a loss for words. [
Monday, September 11th 2006 | 9:41pm
[ mood | ouched. ]

i think i'm hurting, but i'm not sure. denial helps a lot too, really *isobviouslysarcastic*

what right do i have, after all, to feel discontent? when i look beyond the katipunan overpass, i see reality, and i feel and i know, that i should be happy where i am.

however, sometimes, people you've long buried in the past have ways of coming back up. and then there are people i really miss. and no matter how much i have, there are just things and beings which, and who are irreplaceable. i disagree with you jeanette winterson: time is not a great deadener. people don't easily forget. and though humans do get bored, memories can just suddenly creep up to clench our hearts with cold hands.

...and that's when everything hurts.

ack. i hate entries like these. sounds like i'm bitter or something.

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